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Diary of a Victim of Sexual Violence

Wednesday 6th October 2021

Today was a quiet day that simultaneously dragged and went quickly. I spoke to one human face today and as much as I wanted other human contact, the reality of it was too real and too much, so no, no more human contact.

Today my brain has been playing this great trick on me called, “You’re Faking It”. Every toilet break, every sit down on the sofa that nasty little voice pops up to say “you just need to get on with it” and I wish I could, I really do. I wish for my best days when I’m on fire, my hair is glorious and nothing and no one can stand in my way. However, today, today, today, today I was less unstoppable and more like one of those hardcore endurance athletes you see dragging two tyres behind them with a rope tied around their waist. You know the ones, they always look worn down to the bone hardy and their pace is s.l.o.w but they keep on jog/ walking and it just looks ridiculous.

Today that was me.

I did however have the luxury of napping in the day. Did you know that for people with complex trauma napping in the day isn’t a luxury, it’s a necessity, like medicine? Sometimes I forget that medicine doesn’t have to come in bottles from the pharmacy with a £9.50 price tag. Some medicines can be free, like being in nature, the smell of horses and the sun on a cold day. The thing with this nap was that it was one of those that every time I dropped off I was yanked back out of sleep with something scary and real and nasty (obviously not really real but my mind and body thought otherwise). It’s like those moments when you’re just dropping off and in your dream state you slip or fall and that feeling wakes you up, well that was me, countless times in my shitty little day nap.

I’ve been doing some reading (I know when don’t I) and my research has led me to a type of person called HSP (Highly Sensitive Person). HS People feel every emotion at full volume, EVERY EMOTION. They are finely attuned to others and they don’t get their dopamine hit through external stimuli like completing a task. It goes deeper than this please feel free to research yourself. Anywho, I’ve been thinking about HSP, completing stress cycles, complex trauma and how they all link together. WTF right. What if you had an eating disorder and ADHD on top of that. Is that a thing? Is it real? How do humans cope? It got me thinking, do you ever wish you were ordinary? Do you think you’ll ever be happy?

Things I learnt today,

Everybody is different.

Power tools are effing fabulous.

That I don’t think I’m going to be able to afford to put the heating on this winter.

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